[BaZa®]

How to have a midlife crisis in 10 easy steps



Have the time/patience as it's a great read...BaZa


By Mike Carter

February 10, 2008



GUARDIAN OBSERVER Newspapers

–– Fed up and 42, Mike Carter decided to live out the fantasy of every middle-aged male - he bought a big bike and hit the road. He charted his trip across Europe in an Observer column and now he's written a book about his adventures. Here he shares what he learnt on the road.




1. Don't tell anyone

It took a divorce, a bad back, hair spouting out of my nostrils, a sudden aversion to young people and an industrial quantity of Stella before I was ready to face the obvious - I was in the throes of a mid-life crisis. I chose the Observer Christmas party as the place to drunkenly announce I was going off on a six-month journey of indeterminate shape on a large motorcycle. This was unwise. By the next morning, as I was reaching for the Nurofen and scrolling through the haze of the previous night, trying to recall whether I'd said anything stupid, a column had been commissioned and there was no going back. Alas, I had failed to share with my colleagues the fact that I'd never ridden a motorcycle before. This, if anything, only fired their enthusiasm further. So, once you are committed, try not to tell too many people that you are planning to go off on a motorcycle adventure. For everybody - everybody - will have a story to tell you about a friend of a friend who did something similar. This friend of a friend always dies.

2. Make sure you can ride a motorbike

I recommend BMW's rider training centre in South Wales (bmwridertraining.com), in the small town of Ystradgynlais: light on vowels but heavy on pensioners crossing the road without looking, thus handy for practising those emergency stops.

Once you've got yourself a bike (I went for the BMW R1200GS, because I have no imagination and it was good enough for Ewan McGregor), you'll need some luggage. I opted for a couple of Ortlieb Dry Bags and Metal Mule panniers - chunky aluminium boxes that, combined with the bags, turn your previously sleek bike into the sort of overladen vehicle normally only seen fleeing war zones.

Get yourself some custom earplugs. Bikers recommend them to stop you going mad and/or deaf from the constant engine and wind noise. I got mine from a company called Green Leopard. A nice chap came to my house and poured silicon into my ears, an experience I believe that some Tory MPs and judges would pay handsomely for. They are easy things to lose - mine are probably still sitting on top of a petrol pump in Groningen, Holland.

3. Book a nice hotel for your first night

I didn't, and I ended up at a travelling salesmen's hotel on an industrial estate on the outskirts of Dunkirk, trying to pacify a violent drunken Spaniard and then having to convince the French riot police not to arrest me.

Beware hotels that have spent most of their budget on the facade and reception area. Just like Venus Flytraps, they are all display, designed to lure prey. I lost count of the number of foyers I passed through modelled on the Palace of Versailles, only to be greeted by a room full of filthy carpets, fag-burned bedspreads and the smell of rotting meat. Luckily, after a day on a motorcycle, you'll fit right in.

I joined GlobalFreeloaders.com / The Worldwide Free Accommodation Network shortly after hitting the road but there are plenty of similar sites, such as CouchSurfing, where people advertise their spare (free) accommodation. This can range from a room in a house to a spot to pitch your tent in a garden. Even if you don't need accommodation, the websites are a good way to meet locals who might even show you around their city. The trade-off is that, when you return home, you will have endless requests from spotty teenagers to stay on your sofa.

4. Remember: You are not Peter Fonda

Assuming you're heading off on your own for six months, I am taking it as read that you are not in a committed relationship. If you are a guy, you should be prepared to become like every badly drawn road-movie character. When a member of the opposite sex asks you, 'What are you doing here?', you'll find yourself saying things like: 'Goin' where the road takes me, sweetheart.'

If you're a man of a certain age, convinced that riding a large motorcycle will allow you to punch above your weight with the ladies, I would counsel caution. Women are supremely indifferent to motorcycles. Expect to get mobbed by small boys and excited men every time you pull over. If women responded to bikes the way men do, I'd still be on the road. Maybe next time I'll take off in a giant shoe.

5. Befriend bikers

Motorcyclists are the nicest people on the planet. Once you're on a motorbike, you're in the fraternity. Nothing is too much trouble for them. And the bigger and nastier they look, the nicer they are. It's a biker law. But please don't test my theory by nicking Hagar the Horrible's pint. I cannot be responsible for your emergency dental work.

Devoted to all things motorbike, Horizons Unlimited - THE Motorcycle Travel site is chokka with blogs from the road and tips from bike travellers. It also allows you to liaise with bikers in every country you pass through via its communities section.

If you are the suggestible type, and at this stage only warming your hands on the idea of telling your boss where to shove it and taking off, approach this website with caution: it's seriously inspiring and as addictive as crack cocaine.

When on the road, learn to wave in a macho way. British bikers don't wave at each other. It's not because they are too cool, but more to do with the fact we drive on the left, and removing your right hand from the throttle to wave at someone isn't advisable unless you want to come to an abrupt halt.

When riding on the right on the Continent, you will wave with your left hand. Keep it flat and static, slightly to the front, as if Mussolini were poised to pat a small boy. Do not try to wave like the Queen, like I did: it not only looks very effete, but at high speed you'll almost have your arm ripped out of its socket.